the candid files

God, be merciful to me,
On Thy grace I rest my plea;
Plenteous in compassion Thou,
Blot out my transgressions now;
Wash me, make me pure within,
Cleanse, O cleanse me from my sin.

My transgressions I confess,
Grief and guilt my soul oppress;
I have sinned against Thy grace
And provoked Thee to Thy face;
I confess Thy judgment just,
Speechless, I Thy mercy trust.

I am evil, born in sin;
Thou desirest truth within.
Thou alone my Savior art,
Teach Thy wisdom to my heart;
Make me pure, Thy grace bestow,
Wash me whiter than the snow.

Broken, humbled to the dust
By Thy wrath and judgment just,
Let my contrite heart rejoice
And in gladness hear Thy voice;
From my sins O hide Thy face,
Blot them out in boundless grace.

Richard Redhead, 1853

For the benefit of my friends who wouldn’t have sung this song in church, I want to explain that this song or a song like it is often sung at a point of the service when a Christian is convicted of his or her sin – and thus his or her desperate need of a Saviour. The traditional melody is slow, step-like, like a prodigal son returning from a life he now realizes is futile – ashamed, repenting, and yet so hopeful! Because there on the horizon is a Father who doesn’t just wait for us to arrive – he runs to meet us with arms outstretched.

My life as a Christian is so repetetive – at least it feels that way. But every walk back home, every shamefaced return, the daily turning and clinging again to the mercy of my God, is a little different, some how – every time I learn something new. Sometimes I’m reluctant – sometimes I’m even angry that God expects so much of me – sometimes I’m angry at myself for not being able to get the tiniest thing right. Sometimes – a lot of times – I’m just relieved to be coming back to a place where my heart feels its place.

I was at Church in the Box last night and they put the words of this song up on the projector – I got excited since it’s one of my favourites. But then they started playing this alien melody (which I now know is by Jars of Clay) – and it took me about three verses to get used to it. I think I still like the old melody better. But it could grow on me.

If anyone wants to buy me the new Jars of Clay album, Redemption Songs, I really wouldn’t mind! Ahem, there you go, Peter. I’m putting it on my Christmas list right now.

I apologize to most of you for the large percentage of ridiculously mushy stuff on this blog in the last few weeks. I guess it goes in stages. But I’m thinking I’ll move towards an update on what’s going on with me.

For the record, I hate it when people ask me “What’s new?”. I can never think of anything, and the only important new things I can think of (after ten minutes of recalling what I’m actually doing, living here and stuff) are things I’d prefer not to tell to the random person who just asks.

But in an effort to accomodate, here goes:
1. Job is going good. Nothing really new there – but the woman whose hostility was making me cry seemed to be much more friendly this week. So that’s good.

2. That’s a new thing – I can’t have a serious conversation without tears lately. It’s really embarrassing in your manager’s office.

3. Nope, not engaged. Not even expecting to get engaged in the near future. Satisfied?

4. I got my first Mastercard bill in the mail. Those can be scary.

5. Something is stopping me from signing up for my writing course. Somebody kick me.

6. I’m having a bad hair day.

7. This is now boring. That’s new.

So happy Saturday morning to you all. I hope you’re enjoying the snow which is now
melting furiously. May the rest of you weekend be happy.

Oh, and Monday could be good too.

So the love of my life turned 22 on Sunday. I’m not sure anyone can be the love of your life at twenty-two, but I’m planning on it. Find me someone better – I dare you.

Still, if anyone were to tell me that after falling in love with their so-to-speak “soulmate” they never looked appreciatively at, say, Matthew McConaughey’s abs, I would laugh at them. (I appreciate those abs). I say this in relation to a story about the best thing that happened to me on my boyfriend’s birthday.

There I was, standing in the foyer at church. It was Sunday evening, I was alone despite the throngs come to worship and/or chat about the weather in the Fellowship Hall. I turned towards the conversation to my left, but out of the corner of my eye a handsome-looking man in a suit caught my attention. He was striding purposefully across the room, towards something beyond me. He was tall in his black suit, with dark brown hair and an open face that even in my split-second glance spoke to my heart. In short, he was dreamy. All this I took in in less than a heartbeat; with a slight feeling of guilt I stole another look, as we do without being able to stop ourselves.

And there he was. I can honestly say my heart skipped a beat and my cheeks gained some heat as I realized that the stolen glances were not stolen – because I was unknowingly admiring my own sweet, handsome (and yes, totally hot) boyfriend Peter.

There are some gifts that God gives you that you could never give a name. That moment in time was one of them.