of killing and healing rain

October 27, 2007 at 12:05 pm (deep, God is good (all the time))

Rain is a healing kind of weather.   The very fact of rain makes the warm dry places much more dry and warm.  Take my living room in the evening for example.  The trees around the house are tossing and moving, the rain is coming down, and the streetlights reveal a shiny, sparkling, busy world.  Rain at night is like – company, like a friend who is around, the kind of friend who needs nothing from you at this particular moment but you both just enjoy coexisting.  I have decided that I would like to live in a rainy part of the world.

This week has been such an emotional, surreal kind of a week.  I still have trouble closing my eyes without running through Facts.  Evidence.  Statements.  Mistakes.  Lies.  Hurting. Motherless, Daughterless, Lifeless.

I didn’t let any of the trial get to me for six weeks.  Six weeks of descriptions, pictures, investigations, taped telephone calls.  What is science? I learned the theory behind fingerprint examination and DNA analysis, I learned how to load the magazine of a .38 caliber Bersa handgun.  I learned the names of children and I heard peace ja love…a baptism, a new life…

I never let anything hit me anywhere deeper than the place where one stores and analyzes facts.  But on Monday I had to start using those facts to come to a decision.  Did he cause the death?  Did he cause the death unlawfully?  Did he have the state of mind required for murder? Was this murder planned and deliberate?

I don’t think words can really describe the way it feels to be required to answer those questions.  You can come to your own conclusions but you don’t understand, trust me, you don’t understand.

I only know that at last – after hours of deliberation, after an unrestful night at the Ramada Inn, after realizing a decision had been made – when my name was called, when it was time for me to stand up and give my verdict, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t my strength that kept my knees under me for the brief second it took to look towards the defendant and say   guilty  but I did it.  And I didn’t cry, not until I was home, alone.

Life is a long time – it will be a long time for this man.  It wasn’t a long time for one young woman.  Twenty-three years is not long enough to be on earth – six years is not long enough to be a mother – half a day is not enough time to celebrate a new life.

She never got to live that new life.  Don’t forget what you have.

this post is dedicated to N.G.


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Hi, I’m still Alive.

June 22, 2007 at 4:10 pm (Uncategorized)

Peter handed in his thesis project this morning.  That means the rest of the semester is downhill from here, and then come August 17 he’s done!!! DONE!!! My wonderful husband will be wonderfully graduated!!

What a long road this has been.  For so long this has been LIFE.  When Peter and I started dating he hadn’t even applied to university, and now, four and a half years later we’re married and he’s almost finished his degree!

Ten months of marriage hasn’t been all that tumultuous.  It’s a beautiful life.  I’m still waiting for that difficult period they say is supposed to happen after the “honeymoon is over”.  Call me naive but I’m not anticipated anything too heartbreaking – I think in all the time Peter and I have been together we’ve had approximately three fights where voices were raised.  As that is less than once a year I’m not too concerned.  I have to give Peter most of the credit for that, though.  He has the patience of a saint.

Anyway, I’m excited because we’re going up to a cottage in Parry Sound this weekend with my family.  It’s going to be great.  Great to be up north, great because all the stress of trying to extricate myself from work for five days is now over (should be a TON of fun when I get back there on Wednesday) and great because I’m concentrating all my efforts this weekend on getting a tan.

What else should I mention to the world?  Oh, I’m not pregnant.  And I have no plans to become pregnant.  Thankfully people have somewhat stopped asking me.  You have to know that my dear friends Sarah and Marleah, with whom I do not work but with whom I do take all my breaks and lunches (it’s complicated), are both pregnant.  Almost the same amount pregnant, too.  So usually when we go walking, whenever we meet someone, they coo something like “Hello, Mummies!!” and concentrate all their surveillance to the abdominal area.  I may have overreacted to this at one point; anyway the other day we met someone from work and as they passed they said “Hi, Mommies!…and Candice”.  I was so touched to be acknowledged.  🙂

I’m off to do some housework, I’ll probably talk to you in six months again.  See ya!

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Ice Cold

February 13, 2007 at 11:15 pm (Uncategorized)

So not too much has changed since my last post.  It’s still FREEZING in here.  The kids are in bed because it’s 11:00, so at least they’re  quiet.

I love snow.  Even when I’m at work and I only see the snow when I make my 47-time-per-day trek around the office, past all the big huge windows, to talk to so-and-so, pick this up from whats-their-face, drop that off with you-know-who…I  could probably do a lot of my work from the sedentary spot at my desk but then I would never see any of my colleagues – maybe I wouldn’t recognize them if I ran into them at the grocery store or in the mall.  I’m sometimes suprised by how rare it is to run into a co-worker outside of work.  And for some reason whenever I do it’s really only the people who I know only on a “hey I’ve seen her face around” kind of basis.  I suppose that I should feel ashamed that there exists people I don’t know in my organization, but since we have staff that only work weekends and staff that work out of hospitals and other sites, we really only get everybody in one room for the annual Christmas luncheon.  So I can be excused, I think.

Anyway, this was pointless.  I’m going to go huddle under a mound of blankets and hope I fall asleep before I freeze.  Although I sort of doubt I’ll know because I hear that freezing to death feels a lot like falling asleep.  Now I’ll be paranoid.  Oh great.

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Hypothetical Idiots

February 5, 2007 at 1:00 pm (Uncategorized)

Have you ever had it where you want to get along with an individual in your life, but every time you resolve not to be at odds with said individual, something happens that proves again that it is not humanly possible?!?!

Of course this is purely hypothetical. I always get along with everyone. RIGHT…

My house is FREEZING. I’m tired even though I slept in until nine this morning. The kids across the wall are chanting some random thing over and over and thumping things. I can’t believe this house is still standing, sometimes. I’m grumpy because of said hypothetical situation. I’m going to the grocery store to do some banking and then I’m going to go get my eyes checked out at the optometrist and I’m going to try to warm up before I come home again to my FREEZING house and think of something to make for dinner.

Then I’m going to get rid of this grumpiness and go to GBS. Which is good. Breathe in, breathe out, publish and leave.

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January 13, 2007 at 2:07 pm (Uncategorized)

I did actually make it through that week.


Ok, so Peter’s actually working for his Dad today, so I got up with him with all good intentions of scrubbing the house from top to bottom and doing laundry and groceries while he was gone.  I haven’t got a thing done yet, I spent most of the morning studying the MLS website looking at houses.  I found a couple that I love.  But, gotta wait at least another six months before we get serious about the whole home ownership thing, I think.  Oh well, I still have two hours or so..


Things that I love:

– driving to work (not arriving at work)

– toasty warm air blowing on feet

– snuggling in bed with my hubby at 5am because it’s freezing

– kicking said hubby in the middle of the night to get him to quit snoring.  Nice to know he’s alive.

–  cooking something for the first time and having it work out

– coffee that’s not in a travel mug

– Peter’s laugh

– naming plants

– having enough hot water in the shower

– nice smooth shaved legs

–  vaccuuming carpet

– pea soup (YES!! LUNCH!!)

– reading classifieds

– playing “my” piano

– LW practice when we get along

– twinkling lights

– fresh clean sheets

– warm towels straight out of the dryer

– understanding geek jokes

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January 8, 2007 at 10:08 am (today I)

I’m off today. Isn’t that wonderful? I just thought you’d all like to celebrate with me.

Sadly, however, I woke up this morning in a half dream about work…and I can’t get work out of my head. AGH!!! GO AWAY!!!

I’m so looking forward to GBS tonight.

It’s freezing here in my house. I think I’ll go do something.

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2007: A Space Odyssey Plus Six

January 1, 2007 at 2:04 pm (Uncategorized)

It’s two pm on January 1st…I guess my New Years Eve party has finally ended. The house isn’t even destroyed.

I actually made a New Years resolution not to become grossly obese this year…apparently my so-called friends figured that out, even though I never verbalized the thought. So they brought over a TON of food, ate about half of it, and then left the rest in order to sabotage my resolution. So just so you know, when you see me next I’ll be fat.

And it will be your fault.

I’m thinking alot about what 2007 will bring. I don’t know – shocking, isn’t it. Happy new year, everyone!

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December 28, 2006 at 1:53 pm (Uncategorized)

Hang on.  I just decided I have to add something to today.

I’m really proud of my little brother and sister.  I think maybe I didn’t notice how proud I was of them until I didn’t have them around all the time.  Because now the annoying things about them aren’t there anymore.  (for instance, I have my own bathroom counter, so I don’t care what Brittni leaves all over hers).  So…I guess I just want to tell the world that I am super proud of both of them.

Yay for siblings!!!

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Europe, here we come!

December 28, 2006 at 1:37 pm (today I, Uncategorized)

I almost forget what that last post was about….teehee….

Anyway I hope you all had good Christmases. (What is the proper plural form of “Christmas”, anyway?) Our Christmas was pretty nice. I think the best part was being able to sleep in till after nine the last two mornings. I actually have to go to work tomorrow. Sigh…well at least it’s Friday.

Peter and I went to see a travel agent yesterday. He – meaning Peter, not the travel agent – finishes school for good this August; so we decided that in order to celebrate before he gets sucked into a permanent fulltime job and I get tied to the house by screaming babies or something, we’re going to go to EUROPE. Even if only for three weeks. We can’t afford it, but by the time we can we’ll probably be pushing fifty (at least) and to two 20-somethings like us that sounds like a long time to have never seen the Eiffel Tower.

So before this decision we knew that we’d really have to start buckling down, tightening the belt, possibly stealing here and there in order to make ends meet while Peter’s in school…now we pretty much won’t be able to eat. Oh well, food is overrated. And we probably have enough chocolate in our house now to last us until June.

So my New Years resolution is going to be this: I will learn to be frugal.

Aunt Jackie’s right, though. Frugal – such an ugly word.

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guilt in forgetting

November 11, 2006 at 7:07 pm (deep, today I)

I made it through another week. It’s Saturday night, I’m almost de-stressed from last week.

I have to confess, I didn’t observe a minute of silence this morning. I think I was being silent at 11am, but that’s only because I was writing thank you cards. I feel kind of ashamed, and yet I have to analyze my shame and wonder, why is this?

War today is so much different than the wars we remember most on November 11. Identity is so shattered – half of the people in the country might be generally in favour of the war or at least Canada’s peace-keeping mission, although not really crazy about it. Then there’s another almost half that’s vehemently opposed – and then there’s a small fragment of population who are actually supportive.

Last week my friend came up to me because she’d lost her poppy and thought I might have seen it. I said that no, I didn’t – I had an extra one though, which she adopted. The thing is, if you don’t have a poppy in November, you feel guilty. Why is that? I’m a Christian and I don’t have a fish on my car. I’m totally supportive of breast cancer research and yet I don’t have a pink ribbon anywhere. I don’t really care about either of those things at all. But even though I hardly know a single veteran and I am inclined to think that about 99% of the wars in this world are a senseless waste of human life, but I feel really guilty if I’m not wearing a poppy.

Is it all a big bunch of peer pressure, or one of the few icons of conscience left in this country?

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